A social cue is defined as “a type of indirect communication that informs or guides our interactions with others. These include certain facial expressions like a furrowed brow or a smile, both of which are indicators telling you how to proceed in the interaction.”

These cues are a part of all human interaction, but they are especially important to Christians because of our placement within a community called the Church, our command to love one another, and our desire to share what we believe with people. As Christians, we need to be aware of social cues in the different situations we find ourselves as we interact. Unfortunately, I have noticed many of my fellow believers are not well equipped to handle these indirect forms of communication. So today, I wanted to share a few critical social cues for all Christians to be aware of when dealing with other people. Many of these have a general application to everyone, but some are especially important for Christians to remember.

-Whenever someone offers you a mint: Take it.
-When you are talking about Jesus, and the other person changes the subject, quit talking about Jesus.
-Leaning in as you speak means the other person is interested in what you are saying, keep speaking.
-If someone crosses their arms, they are getting defensive, and it is time to quit talking or change the subject.
-Everyone’s personal space and boundaries are different. Watch how close you get to people (also remember the first suggestion above).
-Don’t hug (especially men to women). Side hugs are better than front hugs in every situation.
-Ask questions. People don’t want to hear all about you.
-Open body language indicates an open heart and mind. Closed body language means they are no longer open to your discussion.
-Watch facial expressions. They will show you questions, disagreements, and joy.
-Phone interaction is an indicator of their interest in what you are saying. People who are continually looking at their phones are distracted and often trying to get out of a conversation.
-If you walk up to a group already talking, and they turn their feet and eyes toward you, they are inviting you into the conversation. If they do not do those things, move along.
-Making eye contact is a sign of respect and shows that you are listening.
-Don’t interrupt other people talking unless it is an emergency.
-If the other person keeps moving toward the door, they want out of the conversation and possibly away from you.

These are some of the big ones that I notice. Hopefully, you will find them helpful. What would you add to my list?

I believe if we want to have a more significant impact for the gospel, we need to be aware of the world around us. This does not only include the words being used but the other social cues and what people say without using words. A keen awareness of ourselves and others will help us to make Jesus present in the world to everyone.

Yesterday I spent over five hours with a Pastor I recently met. We had a 20-minute conversation at a basketball game and hoped for a more extended time together. After a couple of emails, the date and time were set for a meeting at the Church where I lead.

In those five hours, I told about the Church I lead, my personal experiences, thoughts I have about ministry, and encouragements I have seen along the way. Before we met, I prayed that God would give me the right words to say that would bless his life and ministry. My wife gave me advice on a few things I should say, including, “Be sure and tell him about your failures too.” I spoke as the Lord led, and my wife instructed. In the end, I felt the meeting went well, and our time together was profitable to him.

Here is the exciting thing to me; it was equally as beneficial to me. As I poured my life, heart, emotions into someone else, my soul was filled at the same time. His stories of how God had worked in his life encouraged me. His pain and struggles were things I could identify with and know I was not alone. His victories were not just his but also for the same Lord I serve. His leaps of faith inspired me to take more significant steps in my walk with Jesus.

Faith is never an individual endeavor. The moment you buy into the idea that faith is a personal thing, you have purchased a concept of a distorted self-centered religion where you are the only important individual. Faith includes sharing your life with other people. Sometimes that is with people close to you, and other times it is with people who seem more distant. In either case, as you pour out your life into others, you, in turn, are blessed in your soul. Quite often, you find out after experiences like this, the person who needed the community of faith the most was actually you.

Living in 2020, we want everything to come easy. We believe that our desires should be achieved at the touch of a button, downloading an app, or watching a video. If it doesn’t come easy, then we don’t do it.

We have our list of reasons from, “I can’t do it” to “I’m not smart enough” to “I am too old.” The excuses for why certain things do not come easy to us is long, and I have heard them all as a church leader and parent of four.

The biggest issue for most of us is two-fold. First, we really don’t want it. Second, we are not willing to pay the price, even when we say we want it. Everything comes with a price tag. It might be money, but it can also be time, security, embarrassment, or just plain sweat.

Usually, the only way to achieve anything is to work hard and put in the hours until we accomplish our goals. We do this to achieve the things we truly want.

For example, our Church is doing a program called Core 52. On Tuesdays (today), we are supposed to memorize scripture. Over the last five weeks, I have heard every excuse in the book as to why people cannot do it. They are too old, too young, too dumb, too busy, or too hardheaded to do it.

The honest response is that none of those excuses are valid. The author explains that it will take three things to memorize scripture. The first thing is to repeat, repeat, repeat. Say it till you can’t say it anymore. Second is hands and feet. The more you move and add motion to your words, the easier it will be to remember. Finally, he gives the rule of three, three, and three. Three minutes to remember it, three days before you can say it without looking at it, and three weeks before it is permanently in your memory.

When someone tells me that they cannot do the memory work, my reaction is to change their “cannot” to a “will not.” I ask them if they have used the methods he described. Have they repeated it? Did they try the motions he suggests? Have they done that for three weeks?

Most people admit that they have not done all the steps. They said it a couple of times out loud, and it was not immediately in their brain, so they quit. They did not “try and fail.” They gave minimal effort, and when it was not easy, they made up an excuse.

Sometimes, maybe all the time, anything worth achieving takes a struggle. It takes doing the same thing over and over again. It takes making mistakes and frequently embarrassing yourself. Achievement on any level comes with fighting against settling for easy excuses and working hard for outcomes. If you are not willing to do that, then let’s be honest, the problem is that you don’t really want it.

Eat a large amount of junk food, and you will become less than healthy. Start a diet of fruits and veggies, and slowly, you become healthier. I don’t know of anyone who argues against that logic. The condition of our body is intimately connected to what we consume.

This is not true only for our bodies; it is also true of our minds. The material that we take in through our eyes and ears impacts our heart, mind, and soul.

Whenever I meet someone with a different point of view than mine, I instinctively ask about what books they read, podcasts they listen to, and people whom they hang around with regularly. Those answers will reveal the source of their thinking. People who are conservatives listen and read conservatives. Liberals will listen to liberal commentators and authors. Many have one or two people who influence all their religious and ecclesiastical thinking. If those people say it, then they listen and change. What they hear and read is molding their thinking in a specific pattern.

Not only does it affect our thinking, but it also impacts our attitudes. If you read and listen to people who are angry and argumentative, then you become that way. Your tone begins to imitate the people who you allow to speak into your life.

The material we consume is who we become. You, as an individual, are becoming exactly what you allow into your mind.

If this is true, then if you want to change your life, one of the most significant steps is to start listening to different voices. The primary application is to the Bible. If you want to know the things of God, then you must expose yourself to his word. But the application is bigger than that and often more practical. If you want to be kind, listen, and read people who are known for their kindness to others. If you’re going to overcome busyness, then buy books and find blogs by people who are not busy. If you want to know how to serve in a particular way, then find videos and resources to help you serve that way. We must remove the destructive voices and add constructive ones in order to change our lives.

We live in an information age. Sometimes it can be overwhelming; many times, we can use all that material to transform us into the person God wants us to become.

I started by posting these every week. Then it went to bi-weekly, next monthly and now it has been a couple months since I shared any articles. Here are some of the best of the best I read during this time. Enjoy

Church Attire – Human Tradition or Biblical Principle?

It’s Because of Jesus

3 Dangers of (Merely) Messy Christianity

13 CHURCH MEMBERS WHO SOMETIMES DRIVE ME CRAZY

10 WAYS THE WORLD DRAMATICALLY CHANGED IN THE 2010S

Again and again and again

The imprecision of “am”

Every week I speak with couples who are struggling in their marriage. Everyone wants a happy home, but many husbands and wives fight to find it. Almost without exception, the person who comes to me first is the woman. She desires a great marriage but keeps meeting resistance from her husband, at least that is what she perceives.

Unfortunately, in every situation, both people are to blame, but usually, the man has no idea what to do about it. As a man, I completely understand this struggle. My thoughts about making things work better are often very different from my wife. It often comes down to me saying, “Just tell me what you want me to do.” Men in counseling respond the same way as I do. “Tell me exactly what you want.” Specifics are hard to nail down, and today, I am attempting to make it easy for any man who wants to improve their marriage.

Here are three basic concepts to guide your actions:

1. Treat Your Wife Like You Did When You Were Dating.
   Plan dates. Make calls and send texts. Buy the flowers. Write the card. Work as hard to keep her love as you did to earn it. Most men tend to quit trying once they have said, “I do.” They focus their attention on careers, hobbies, and friends more than their spouses. Make a mental list of all the things that helped you fall in love and then do those types of things again.
   [Side note: You have two options: You can go back to dating your spouse, or you can get a divorce and go date someone else. Either way, you will end up doing the same things. Put your effort into this woman to whom you have already committed, and take your relationship to a whole new level]
2. Treat Your Wife Like Your Aging Mother.
   The second type of thinking comes from watching several tough guys help their mother. I have watched them change their schedule, go to appointments, open doors, make food, and do a variety of things to bless the lives of their aging mom. I ask them to take that same energy and apply it to the woman they live with every day. Being kind, sweet, gentle, and a servant is the way to treat all women.
3. Treat Your Wife Like You Want a Man to Treat Your Daughter.
   Would you want your future son-in-law to treat your daughter the way you treat your wife? Men have a special bond with their daughter, and they want a man who is going to make her happy and take care of her. Your wife is someone’s daughter. Treat her with the love, respect, and compassion you desire for your child.
   [Side note: Set an example for your daughter in how a wife should be treated. She will pick a man very much like you.]

If a man attempts to live in these ways, his wife will often become delighted with her relationship once again. If a man ignores these little pieces of advice, things will always get worse. The quality of your marriage is in each man’s hands. They – YOU – can choose to make things better just by doing the little things you already know how to do.

A friend of mine recently shared an article by writer and speaker Brene Brown. It was a little piece of wisdom that I have been trying to practice the last couple of weeks, and I think it is revolutionary. The idea is that we should see other people as “doing the best they can.”

Dr. Brown calls it the “assumption of positive intent.” Our natural instincts have been trained to think of people in a negative light. Imagine that someone cancels a meeting with you. It is natural to believe they have wasted your time and don’t care about your schedule. Possibly a co-worker doesn’t finish a task, and you are left to clean up the mess. Naturally, it feels like your co-worker has taken you for granted and thinks their time is more valuable than yours.

Repeatedly, we jump to negative assumptions about other people’s actions. How would your life change if you began to assume the best in people? Now imagine that person who let you down, frustrated, or disappointed you. What if their excuse was valid? What if they legitimately did the best they could? Then, most likely, we come off as a jerk. We need to stop harassing them and making their life more difficult. Sure, there may be issues that need to be addressed, but those are often problems with procedure rather than lousy personal behavior.

The apostle Paul tells the believers in the city of Ephesus, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29 – NIV 2011) Our words are not to be used destructively, instead, in a constructive way that builds others up. How better to do that than to see their actions as “doing the best they can?”

One of my goals for this year is to be more positive. It is a challenge to think of the glass as half full. But when people are involved, it is even more difficult to be positive. Dealing with people is a risky business, they can fail you, but your attitude toward them can always remain positive and our words helpful, if we see them as doing their best.

And if you do not agree with this post, that is okay. I did the best I could.

While sitting in a Mexican restaurant with my youngest son after worship on Sunday, January 26th, he looked down and saw a note on his phone. He raised his head and said, “Kobe Bryant is dead. Seriously, he died in a helicopter accident.” Over the next few hours, we continued to follow the story. Nine people died in a tragic accident, including the former NBA player and his young daughter.

As a Pastor, I am familiar with the aftermath of a tragedy, as it comes with the job, but this one was different. All my social media feeds have been exploding with articles about the man, tributes to him, and pleas for some way to honor him. This has left me reflecting on this incident and the reason for such a response.

I believe accidents like this do two things. One, they make us face a lie that many of us believe. Somewhere along the way, we have come to believe that if we have enough money and fame, then we are immune to life-threatening issues. With money and fame comes the ability to remove ourselves from the scary things of life. Rich people have better homes in good neighborhoods with premium security. They have the nicest vehicles with the latest safety features. They can afford the best of everything and all the protection it brings. These types of accidents crush the illusion that money and fame are the way out of pain and suffering.

The second thing it does is bring us face to face with our mortality. If bad things can happen to the wealthy and secure, then they could happen to anyone of us. If he can’t keep himself and his family safe, then what hope do we have?

Whenever you mix the grief of loss with the harshness of reality, it is a recipe for confusion. It leaves people searching for meaning, hope, and purpose in the face of death.

This leads me to the reason I am a believer in Jesus. Life has no natural answers for death. It is coming for all of us. It doesn’t matter if you have lots of money or none. It doesn’t care about your social status, possessions, notoriety, or charity work. Make no mistake in thinking that because you are young, athletic, beautiful, or accomplished that you will escape it. Death is coming, and we need to be prepared.

Faith in Jesus is the only adequate way I know to prepare for the end of this life. The essential ingredient of Christianity is that Jesus defeated the grave. He was alive, then died, was buried, and rose on the third day. Paul told the Church at Corinth if you remove the resurrection, the followers of Jesus should be pitied. If there is only hope in this life, then we are wasting our time.

Jesus was not just an excellent teacher who tried to show us a better way to live. He was a savior who died and showed us a way through the grave. Faith in the resurrected Jesus, I believe, is the key to eternity.

The passing of Kobe reminds me that none of us are immune to death, but also the hope that is found in my faith in Jesus. That faith prepares me for any tragedy this life throws at me.

I have never been a fan of quotes from famous people. They can be used out of context and even be misquoted if the intention is misunderstood. You will rarely hear them in my sermons and teaching unless I know the exact details in which they were given.

With that said, I was reading The Door magazine while in college. If you are not familiar with this little publication, in the late eighties and early nineties, it was cutting edge material. They interviewed people on the fringes of faith and wrote articles that challenged the status quo. At my college library, you had to go to the front desk and ask for it by name. They kept it hidden under the counter, so new students didn’t get their hands on it and misuse or misunderstand it.

Every month I was excited as the new issue arrived, and I had a chance to dive into a world I only knew through its pages. One issue contained an interview with Christian musician and music producer Charlie Peacock. It had one of the parts of the article enlarged as a quote to stand out from the rest of the material. I read it and immediately spent a nickel to photocopy it there in the library. I then cut it out and glued it to the last page of my Bible. While that Bible is very worn and is no longer the one I use every day, it still sits on the filing cabinet directly to the right of my desk.

Occasionally I flip open that old Bible and read this quote from Charlie Peacock,

“I believe that all of life is lived out under the gaze of God, from our worship to our sexuality, from the deep pain of the soul to the sound of laughter. If I believe that God’s gaze or sovereignty excludes any part of this life, then I have created a small god of my imagination.”

I keep this quote because there is always a temptation to compartmentalize my life. To say to mentally, “this part is for God, and this part is for me.” Whenever I do that, I reduce God and make him into a tiny creation of my imagination.

This week I pray that God will be present in every minute of your life, and you will resist the urge to reduce him for the sake of convenience, pride, or the enjoyment of sin.

This weekend is the big game. I don’t need to tell anyone in the Kansas City area as the town is abuzz with Chief’s mania. Sunday evening, the game will kick-off, and a new world champion football team will be crowned. The event will be celebrated in many ways in the area with all kinds of gatherings and parties. There will be food and alcoholic beverages in abundance.

This is not a post about the evils of alcohol, although I have thought about writing a perspective on the topic. No, this post is about the impression people give when they drink. Having spent time counseling couples, working with struggling adults, and trying to guide teens into wise decisions, I have learned a thing or two about what you will see this weekend. The outward picture will be of people have a good time. There will be an appearance of fun that looms large at every party.

The problem is what lies beneath the surface. Most of the people I speak with are drinking for darker and often more sinister reasons. We, as believers, need to be aware of the ugly struggles many people have when they begin to drink.

1. Some are Carrying Lifelong Pain. There is a long list of struggles that people carry with them throughout life. An absentee father (or parent), an abusive relative – both physically and emotionally, and sexual abuse, to name a few. Some people are trying to erase the emotions from years of struggle.
2. Some are Struggling with Current Issues. Some of the problems are from the past, and many are still present today. I am amazed at the difficulties people have in their private lives, that they have not told a single person. That woman who is so much fun at parties is dying inside because of the way her husband treats her at home. The list is also long and troubling.
3. Some are Trying to Escape Their Past Mistakes. These people have issues with failures that were not the result of someone else, but the work of their own hands. I once had a guy who would drink at every opportunity; his current wife called me and told me to come to their home and see it for myself. As I talked with his drunken personality that night, he only talked about one thing. He failed his first marriage, and he was not the dad he wanted to be for his girls because of it. He was carrying an enormous amount of pain from his past mistakes and tried to numb his feelings any way he was able.
4. Some are Attempting to Numb Their Emotions. Some people will drink because they are lonely. Others are sad at how life turned out. One woman I know has a marriage that is falling apart, and she attempts to find joy in any way possible. She always looks happy, but it is just a show trying to veil the pain she is feeling.

Please hear me clearly; I hope you have fun this weekend. Also, we need to understand that many of the people around us are looking for something more. They are trying to hide behind the appearance of fun. We need to keep our eyes and ears open for places the gospel can help far more than a drink.