Four Things My Dad Did Right

Sunday is Father’s Day. It will be my second one without my dad. I hate it. I miss him. I still cry at least weekly as I want to tell him something about my life and my boys.

I am also thankful. Thankful that he was my dad and I was close to him. I am grateful for all that he did in my life. I hope to learn from his example in my life and pass on the lessons he taught me.

Here are four of the things I think he did correctly as a father.

1. He was present in my life. When I was young and involved in sports, he was my coach and my fan. When I quit athletics in high school, a move I am sure broke his heart; he became my hunting and fishing buddy. When I told him I was going to watch my friends in high school play basketball he would tag along and sit on those hard bleachers that I am sure hurt his back. He was always present in my life. Even when I lived 4,000 miles away, because he hated to fly, he drove the whole way twice to visit my family.

2. He led our family in faith. Dad was a youth leader, an usher, then a deacon and finally an elder in our local Church. He served and taught Sunday School right up till his first stroke. He alone prayed before meals with the family. I have an image of my dad sitting at the kitchen table reading his bible and looking at a lesson book or commentary getting ready for Sunday. Dad loved Jesus, and I knew it without a doubt.

3. He endured my stupidity.
The story of the prodigal son in Luke 15 tells us a story about a father. His son wishes he was dead and wants his inheritance. The father gives it to him, and he immediately leaves home. Soon he returns with nothing but a speech about being a servant. The father smiles and embraces his son, even after all his stupid actions. I know that story because I have my own prodigal stories. There was a time I thought dad was an idiot and I was willing to tell him. I am sure he shed a number of tears over my mistakes, mean comments and childish ways. He never gave up on me, even when I am sure that it would have been easier. I will never know why the walls I tried to build were torn down continuously, but I am thankful for his patient endurance.

4. He loved us. Pop was raised by a man who literally never told him “I love you.” Not once. When he asked my grandfather why he never said it, grandpa said, “You always knew I did.” He still would not say it. As a result, he lived the exact opposite. He always told me how much he loved me. He hugged me. He kissed me, even as an adult man. He did everything he could to show me how much he loved me. Words, actions, gifts, and companionship were offered as evidence of his love for my family and me.

These are some of the ways my dad shaped my life. I am sure your dad has done some of these, or better yet, I hope you will do them for your children. I hate Father’s Day, and secretly I hope that my boys will one day hate it just as much when I am gone.

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Your Preacher is Not Perfect

The rain was coming down, and I had several boxes to unload. I pulled up next to the back door of the Church and began to take the items up the old concrete steps into the copy room. Soon the steps were wet, and on my third or fourth journey down those stairs, I slipped. My feet went up in the air, and my back hit the concrete with a thud. As my body quickly adjusted for the impact and I had actually positioned myself to roll down the steps. One hit moved my body to the side, and I turned over as I tried to stop from moving farther down the steps. My readjustment caused me to slide on my back down another six steps or so. Finally, I hit the landing with missing skin, certain bruises on my back and pain all through my body. Without thinking, I yelled a four letter word that no preacher should ever say.

Suddenly a thought went through my brain. Was anyone else in the Church? Did anyone hear me yell that? Sure enough, someone else was in the building, but if she heard me, she never said a word. Maybe it was because I hobbled around the Church like I was looking for an emergency room. She asked if I was okay and then we laughed about my clumsiness. Well, she laughed, I half heartedly moaned.

I went back toward my vehicle through the auditorium. I stopped and asked God for three things. One, I hope nothing is broken. I can’t afford an injury. Two, please forgive me. God, I need your grace. Three, Lord, please do not let me own sinfulness ruin my ministry.

Those three prayers have been repeated in my life over and over.

First, I still cannot afford to be injured or sick in any way.

Second, “God forgive me” is my daily prayer. I need his grace every day.

Three, I fear that my sinfulness will ruin my ministry. I am sinful and stupid beyond measure. I have thought things inappropriate and sometimes let them slip. My theology has had flaws that I now see clearly. I have misled people, not on purpose, but in the naivety of youth. My tongue has betrayed me, and my heart is a real problem. The days I seem to get it right, I am filled with pride, yet another trespass against God. Sin is always knocking and in moments of weakness I have open the door. Like with all sin, I live with regret and remorse over the actions I see in myself every stinking day.

I tell you always to remind you that your preacher is working out his faith just like you are doing. He is flawed and sinful. He needs God’s grace. He also needs yours.

The truth is that everyone needs grace. God’s and yours. If preachers are supposed to be close to God, and they are so messed up (and believe me, we are), then this is true of everyone. Each one of us has moments of weakness that could destroy us and our witness for Jesus. Grace and forgiveness flow from the throne of God into the lives of his followers and finally out of our hearts to the people around us. I need other people’s mercy in my life, and so do you.

Five Things You Are Not Doing, That Are Hurting Your Marriage

When I meet with a couple for marriage counseling, there are usually two things I can be sure I will say. One is that there are things you are doing that you need to stop. Two, there are things you are doing that need to change. There are wrong actions, and there are misguided actions.

Lately, I am adding something new to my list of instructions. People need to know there are things they are NOT doing that are hurting their relationship. Stuff like …

1. Not Spending Quality Time Together. There are two parts to this concept. The first is that you need time together. One person running one way and the other going a different direction is a set up for a split. The other side of that concept is that it needs to be quality time. You need to listen, talk, kiss, touch and share your lives in deeply intimate ways.

2. Not Communicating. When I sit down with someone and ask them about their problems with their spouse, they can usually give me two or three items of disagreement. Quite often the other person will say, “I never knew.” Open communication is vital to every relationship but is most significant in a marriage.

3. Not Speaking Their Love Language. Gary Chapman introduced a new idea when he wrote about Love Languages years ago. The basic concept is that each of us feels and receives love in one of five primary ways: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. I am convinced that if you ignore your spouse’s language and focus on your own, eventually the spouse will search for love elsewhere. You need to be aware of how your spouse feels love.

4. Not Doing Anything to Connect. This is a little different from quality time. Quality time is spent alone away from the crowds on a date night or vacation. A connection is about doing something together like a hobby or activity. This can range from watching movies to sports to hiking to whatever. Find something to do together that you both enjoy. Become a team by working together doing something you find fun.

5. Not Putting Your Phone Down. I have heard hundreds of people say this and heard numerous jokes about being on your phone too much. Still, I see very little change in many people’s lives. Once upon a time, you could do something, and you were out of touch. Now we feel this need to be open to interruptions at all times. They do not need to talk to you now. That text can wait. Put the phone away, put it on vibrate, or better yet just shut it off. Focus your attention on this one person when you are together.

There are other things I might add to this list. You are probably not be listening to the other person, and you are might not be together spiritually. There are several possible things you might not be doing that are hurting your marriage. These are five of the biggest ones I see that are slowly hurting marriages. I suggest you spend time this week doing things that improve your relationships and move beyond your inaction.

The Strength of Small Churches

Currently, I am a part of a book discussion group online with some ministers who are serving in small Churches. All of us lead Churches under 250 in attendance that are a part of our brotherhood of Churches, and each leader attended my alma mater Ozark Christian College. Together we are reading the book Small Church Essentials by Karl Vaters. We are all reading the book on our own, and every other week we have a video conference to discuss what we are learning.

Yesterday our group had a conversation about chapters 4-5 of the book. Basically, smaller Churches find their greatest strength in relationships while larger Churches find their strength in vision and programs. The two sizes of Church are both serving the Lord, but they are unique in the connection people feel. The discussion yesterday focused my thinking on three different issues.

1. Do people in small Churches realize the power of relationship? It was stated by these preachers in almost those exact words. Do you, as a member of a Church under 250, realize the potential of connecting to other believers in the Church. A small Church is a great place to meet new people and share your life with other members of your community. This is a place where people want to share life with you.

2. Do people know the benefits of these relationships in Church? On Sunday I was asked a question from a lady in our congregation after the program. She invited a friend to Church, and he responded by saying something like “I can worship God anywhere, why should I go to Church.” She asked me, “What should I say to that?” I told her that Jesus says the Old Testament hangs on two commands. One is to love God, but the other is to love our neighbor. A Church community is a place where we can fulfill both the first and the second command. The Church is the place where we can care for sick and hurting people. We can also receive care when we need it. The Church is the place where can express love and be loved by people of like faith. All of us want to feel important to someone; the Church community exposes us to people who are trying to show us our value and worth in Jesus.

3. Do people realize that the primary relationship they need is with other believers and not the preacher? To say the strength of a small Church is in relationships leads some people to believe that everyone needs a relationship with the leader. That is just not true, in fact, it can be detrimental to your spiritual growth. Let me be honest, I love the Church I am serving, but one of three things are going to happen. I am either going to have God call me somewhere else, I will be called home to heaven, and if not, one day I hope to retire. I am going to move, die or quit as a leader of the Church one day if the Lord continues to delay his return. What then? Through the years I have watched small Churches ride the roller coaster of growth and decline based on the leader. Quite often this is because they are the primary relationship for most people in the Church. This is a dangerous position for you and the preacher. The relationships we need are with people within the Church that we can walk through all of life together.

Having been the pastor of a small Church for almost 25 years, I totally agree it is a great place to build strong relationships for a lifetime. I hope you know that, understand that and are trying to connect with people in the name of Jesus. If not, we will get together again this Sunday morning, and it would be a great time to start to get to know someone new.

Social Media Advice for Christians

Here this post as an earnest plea from one Christian to another. See me as begging you. I am down on my knees and asking you this in total sincerity.

I request that you would hesitate before you share, or even “like” something on social media. Pause and do some of the following.

1. Talk to God. Quietly ask God if sharing this information will further his kingdom on earth. Before you click on the button, speak a one-line prayer and see if your attitude changes.

2. Read the Article Yourself. I am amazed at the number of people who share an idea about a link that was shared in an article by a friend that appears to be true. Before you share about the survey or study, read the material for yourself. Take the time to read every word, once or twice before you share it.

3. Do Your Research. Some things are too good to be true. Some things are too bad to be true. Do a google search to find out details. Check Snopes. Try to gather all pertinent information to the best of your ability. Was this material produced by a Christian or an anti-Christian writer? Is there an overwhelming political bias? We live in an age of fake news.

4. Use Your Head. Think before you type anything into social media, that as a Christian you represent more than yourself. Every word you write will leave an impression on the hearts and minds of your believing and unbelieving friends.

5. Share. If you have something that checks out as legitimate and it is helpful to people, then share away. As you share useful articles, you will gain credibility and develop a voice for the kingdom of God.

I debated sharing several stories of disaster on social media. People sharing false news, biased information and unresearched junk that was detrimental to the cause of Christ. Those stories are many and still leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

Instead of focusing on the negative, I want to remind you that all tools, like social media, can be used for God. Be wise about what you are sharing and let’s build each other up for the glory of the Lord.

Weekend Reading

Here are some of the best articles I have read over the last few weeks. I hope you enjoy them.

Why Church Members Are Attending Less Frequently – A short video with synopsis. Interesting insights, especially the last one.

5 Books to Read If You’re Getting Burned Out on Church – I have only read one of these, but the list might be helpful to you.

7 Signs Your Church Is (Finally) Reaching Unchurched People

JESUS AND JOYSTICKS: WHY THE CHURCH SHOULD STOP MAKING FUN OF VIDEO GAMERS – Some interesting statistics.

Why Your Friends Can Make or Break Your Future – a good reminder for all ages.

Hearing What You Want to Hear

Your brain is an enormous filter. It can take massive amounts of data and decide what is important to you and what is not. It chooses what ideas to latch onto and determines what to leave behind. Your brain has spent years being trained to receive the information that you find the most meaningful.

With that said, let me ask you a couple of questions?

1. Do you find joy in the failure of others? This is how gossip is made. Real juicy gossip is the true stories you hear about the mistakes other people make, that you repeat. Some people can listen to a whole conversation and pick out the one negative piece to share with others.

2. Do you privately enjoy being mad? Some people are only happy if they are upset about something. The deep psychological reason is that it gives us the attention we desire. If you are mad, then people will listen to your concerns and try to make you happy. These people listen carefully for any words that will frustrate them.

3. Do you hear reasons to be happy in your conversations? When you are finished talking with someone can you repeat all the positive things they said? Do you hear the good things louder than the bad? Some people can find joy in every season and situation, no matter how I tell the story.

One big question is what kind of person are you? All of us have a tendency toward one type of thinking and listening. We hear what we want to hear. Our brains have become magnets to attract thoughts that we like. The question I want you to ask is not only about what type of material catches your attention but is that the best for the kingdom of God in your life?

We hear what we want to hear, but is your brain being filled with information that furthers the work of God in your life?