I’m 45 And Reflecting

Yesterday I turned 45 years old. It is hard for me to imagine that I am this old since I still feel like I am 21. Time flies by as all of us know. I wanted to take a few moments to slow down and do a little reflection on my life and the lessons I have learned.

Last night as I lie on my bed looking up at the ceiling I felt this sense of disappointment. Before I hit the mattress, I had read some articles written by other people who has turned 45. As I read through their material, I felt an overwhelming lack of accomplishment compared to their lists. So I decided to share my reflections as a less than perfect person who just turned 45.

1. I Am Still Unsure About the Present and the Future.
I had hoped that by this point in my life I would feel confident that I was doing exactly what God had called me too. I was sure I would feel secure in where he had called me too. I am still as unclear as I was at 21. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do each day, but I am not sure this is a permanent assignment. I would like to write. I would like to do some mission work. I wouldn’t mind starting another Church. I would love to specialize. All I know is that each day I serve the Lord until he shows me the next step on this journey. This was true at 21, and it is still true for me today.

2. The Voices in My Head Never Stop.
All of us struggle with insecurity at some level. When I was young, I understood that there was an inherited sense of insecurity with my age. Now that I am older I still hear the same voices echoing inside my head. They continually tell me, “I am not smart enough. I am not skilled enough. I have made too many mistakes in the past. Do I really think God could forgive that?” My personal issues have changed, but they exist in various forms still today.

3. The Struggle With Sin Never Goes Away.
As I young man I was convinced that one day I would be smart enough or strong enough to stand up to the sins that lurk around every corner. Sure, I have overcome some things, but temptation still exists for every person, no matter how old.

4. It is Difficult to Continually Reinvent Yourself.
Once upon a time I only worried about myself as an individual. Now, I am a father and a husband. I spent time as a coach, and now I am a fan. Now I am trying to adjust to being a life coach to a college student. One day I will become an in-law and maybe a grandparent. It seems the moment you have your role figured out, something happens and everything changes. It can be a complicated assignment to know how I am supposed to behave in each new role.

5. Trust Verses Worry is a Continual Battle.
I know that God has a plan for my life, but I am scared for my children. I am concerned with their health, their safety, their career, their future and a dozen other things. Even though I have seen God’s hands of guidance in my life through the years, it is still hard to trust him with my children. I had hoped it would get better when they were older, but I actually think it gets worse. There is a constant need to immerse each day in prayer for them and for my trust of God with them.

I don’t know, maybe this article says more about me as a person and a Christian than I should say out loud, but I feel the need to be honest. My life at 45 is not about having everything perfect and gearing up to dominate the last 35 years. My life is about more of the same. Nothing is perfect, and I find that following Jesus is as hard today as it has ever been to me. I hope you will benefit from knowing that you are not alone. I think most people struggle silently and bury their feelings deep inside. Slowly it tears them apart as they feel they are failing as a person. I want you to know that all of us, even pastors, have issues no matter how old we are today.

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