I am 45 years old, and my life is not all I hoped it would be by now.

I thought I would be the best son ever. I knew I would at least be better than my siblings. Yet, I recently forgot to call my mom after I told her that I would. A week passed, and I totally forgot to engage my mother in conversation.

I thought I would be a great husband. I believed I would have it all figured out after 23 years. Still, I find myself lying quietly in the bed at night feeling so many regrets about things I have done and not done. I struggle daily to understand the woman next to me and make her happy.

I thought I would be the model father. I have been in this role for 20 years, and I should be a better leader. This year has been the most difficult yet. It has been full of failures, frustrations, and fatigue that leave me questioning my family legacy.

I thought I would be a better Bible scholar by now. I want to hunger and thirst for righteousness, but I recently fell asleep in Ezekiel as part of my Bible reading plan. I am still not sure how to understand much of God’s word.

I thought I would simply be a better Christian. Recently, sin has been banging on the door of my heart every day quite loudly. The moment I shut the door on one temptation another stands ready to enter my life. I wanted to be free of the chains that bind me and hurt all my relationships, especially the one with my heavenly father. I am not free; I am still struggling with the same old sins.

I do not write this for sympathy. I do not want you to feel sorry for me in any way. This is my life, and I have not become the person I dreamed by 45. I am just being honest.

I would bet that if you are honest, you feel the same way too. As I talk to people regularly, I hear the stories of hurt, confusion, and disillusionment repeated. It is entirely possible today that you are struggling to hold it all together. The gates that hold back your anger and tears are ready to break.

At moments when the reality of my life hit me the hardest, I return to the core of my faith. I throw myself on the grace of God. He forgives and makes new. He heals and redeems. He takes the mistakes and forms a new future. God uses my failures and shapes me into a better person. I am not the person I hoped I would be, but I thank God, I am not the person I once was. I honestly cannot imagine how bad things might have been without God in my life.

Every day I get up and look in the mirror with a level of disappointment with myself, but I know God is still doing a mighty work in me. Whenever I feel dissatisfied with my life, I grab ahold of God in faith and find joy in the journey. One day I will be better, I know he is forming me as I follow him.

He wanted to rebuild his marriage. It was a mess and divorce was looming shortly. As his pastor and counselor, I gave him a series of ideas that would move him the right direction. He walked out of the office and proceeded to do none of the suggestions I gave him. I was not surprised to find out that his marriage ended in divorce a short time later.

The problem was not that the ideas for impossible or impractical. The issue for him was that the steps he would need to take were difficult. They required a concerted effort to do the right thing, and when it came down to action, he was not willing to work for it.

One essential question about anything you do in life is, “How badly do you want it?”

1. How badly do you want a great marriage? Do you want it enough to sit down and have an awkward conversation? Would you be willing to skip something you want to do in order to be with your spouse? Do you want it enough to go to a counselor and follow their instructions? Do you want it enough to confess your deepest sin to find healing together? Are you willing to adjust your life to make your spouse happy?

2. How badly do you want Christian children? Do you want it enough to schedule a time each day to engage in spiritual growth? Do you want it enough to read a book when you don’t like to read? Would you ever be willing to say “no” to something they want to do because it interferes with a Christian activity?

3. How badly do you want a deep faith in Jesus? Do you want it enough to get up early to have extra time to read and pray? Possibly for you that might mean staying up late. Do you want it enough to skip a sporting event to be a part of a Bible study? Do you want it enough that you plan your week around worship and service?

4. How badly do you want Godly joy? Do you want it so much that you would confess your deepest darkest sin to someone who cares about you? Are you willing to risk the embarrassment of telling people you don’t have it altogether? Are you ready to spend every day reminding yourself in prayer of the blessing you have received? Would you be willing to give up temporary smiles for a more profound joy that lives in your soul? Would you give up something you do as routine for a new life plan?

The list could go on and on.

Life is full of unlimited possibilities of things to do. We often fool ourselves into thinking we want something that we really have no intention of getting. We somehow believe that because we have a desire to accomplish a goal that we are on the right path. I have found what separates people who achieve great things in life and those who do not is the willingness to do whatever it takes to complete their goals. Their actions are aligned with their dreams, and they do the work it takes to make their ideas happen.

So what do you want to do with your life? Now how badly do you really want it?

She was hurting. Their marriage was on the rocks. They came to the office to seek some advice. She started talking and began to share her struggles openly. Then it happened. Her husband launched into a series of ideas to get her back on track. It was clear he had thought about her situation a great deal, and his words were not far from the truth. Then she gave this simple response, “Don’t try to fix me.”

It was not the first time I had heard these words from someone. Honestly, I knew exactly where she was coming from in her thinking because I have thought the same thing. There have been more than a couple of times I have wanted to shout, “Don’t try to fix me” at a well-intentioned Christian.

I think most of us can identify with these words and yet we suddenly forget them when someone starts to open their life to us. We immediately slip into a mode that makes us the expert and willing to offer a lecture on how to get their lives on the right track. I know this is especially true for men.

So let me give you a little Christian advice on how to respond the next time someone begins to bare their soul to you.

1. Listen to them. I know this sounds so basic, but listen to them … really listen. Hear what they are saying and try to place yourself inside their emotions. The Bible encourages us to be “quick to listen and slow to speak.” This is always good advice.

2. Let them know they are not alone. If possible, share a story from your own life that makes a connection. Be careful not to become the hero of your story. I firmly believe the best words we can share are about a time that we struggle and possibly failed in a similar situation. Many times, this person is opening up to you because they think you can understand their struggle, show them that you do.

3. Pray with and for them. I am learning to pray with people the moment that they open up to me. I just pause and ask if it is okay to pray with them, and then I go to God. Other times it can be awkward to pray at the moment, so I promise people to pray for them for a week. Then each day I lift them up to God and ask him to help their situation.

4. Offer a connection (If you know one). I frequently ask, “Do you have anyone other than me you could talk to about this?” If I get a negative response, then I ask if could suggest someone. I might say, “I know a lady who is struggling with the same issue, the two of you should meet.” I might tell them of someone who is in a similar situation and then take the time to introduce them on Sunday. I may not be able to help this person, but I hope I can direct them to someone who can.

5. Point them to God. Remind them of God’s grace. Be careful not to do this in a condescending way that implies they are of weak faith for having this problem. Don’t tell them, “God has a plan” in the moment of tragedy. I usually say that “God will get you through this somehow.” I think people need to be reminded that we serve a loving God who cares about us. It is hard to see if the world feels like it is falling apart, but God is good.

My final suggestion is to be quiet. Usually, people know what they should do in their given situation, but it can be a harsh reality. To confront a sin or question, a person we love can be overwhelmingly stressful. So let the person talk it out while they work through it in their own mind. This can be complicated for a guy like me, but I need to be reminded that God is in control and I don’t have to try to fix everything.

Last Sunday I was on vacation and my wife, and I did what is now becoming our vacation routine. Because we live close to a big city, we attend a megachurch that offers a Saturday night worship program at one of their sites. Worship starts at 6:00 pm and is done in a little over an hour, thus leaving us with all of Saturday night in the city to explore and have a good time. We actually stay out late on a Saturday night, which is rare for a preacher, at least for this one.

It is nice to attend a Church that I am not leading occasionally. We were able to walk in unnoticed. No one asking questions, no issues to be handled, no stress over the worship plan and no thoughts about the upcoming sermon. My wife and I were able to sit side by side and even hold hands while the program was happening.

In many ways, it sounds like a dream come true for some people. No expectations to fulfill. No connections to drain my emotions. No service to offer. No personal investment. Just in and out in an hour. While I enjoy the time of worship and the teaching of the Bible, I still left feeling a little empty. Yes, we are all believers worshipping together, but that is not MY Church.

The more you attend a Church gathering, and the more you invest your life into it, the more it begins to feel like home.

1. A Home Church is a Place of Connection. It has been used before, but the TV show Cheers had the best theme song ever. You know the words, “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name … and they’re always glad you came.” Every week I am so blessed to spend a few minutes with people I know and love. The smiles of the senior adults and the laughs of the little kids are no longer forced emotions but the connection I feel with people who are on this journey with me.

2. A Home Church is a Place of Expectation. I want to be around people who expect the best out of me. They want to see me growing and learning the ways of God. Every week I have people ask me how I am doing in my walk with God. Accountability is the word we use around the Church. It means that we open ourselves up to other people and ask them to hold us accountable for our actions. I need committed Christians in my life to help me reach my full potential.

3. A Home Church is a Place Where I Belong. Some things in life just feel right. The longer I am in a local Church, the more it feels right to me. The casual attendee does not get the same emotional connection to Church as the regular attendee. Few words can explain it. I just feel a sense of belonging every week as I see familiar faces sitting in the usual places and singing songs to God. It feels right knowing the people leading me in worship, prayer, and communion. This is where I belong.

It is nice to spend a Sunday or two each year away from the Church I lead just like it is nice to travel on vacation a couple of weeks a year. But with every trip, I walk in the door of my house and my Church and repeat the words, “Be it ever so humble, there is no place like home.”

I am back in the office after a weeklong vacation. Living in Missouri almost requires that you take a trip to Branson at some point, so last week my wife and I made the journey. We had a good week as we saw the sights, did a little shopping and took in some shows. As a preacher, my eyes are always trying to see things from the perspective of the Church and the services we offer each week. While I do not believe the people who attend Church are there to be entertained there are still some lessons that we can learn from the entertainment industry. Here are a few thoughts from my time in Branson and what they might mean for the Church.

1. The Value People Place on Entertainment. I am continually amazed at the amount of money people spend on a ticket to any entertainment. It could be a ballgame, a concert or even a small variety show in Branson. Twenty dollars is cheap in the entertainment world. People will spend almost any amount of money on things they enjoy.

2. The Power of Music. Branson has few people performing original songs. In fact, there are probably very few songs written in the last 20 years. At one show there was a song playing through the speakers at intermission, and most of the crowd joined in singing. People have memories and emotions tied to songs of all types.

3. Know Your Audience. One show we attended did throw in a couple of newer songs. The old man next to me kept asking his wife, “What is this song?” He told her in an exasperated voice, “I don’t know this song.” She shrugged her shoulders, and they both slumped back in their seats. Every age group has different expectations and ideas about how things should go. It is crucial to know who is in the seats.

4. High Quality is Important. Even in small theaters, there is an expectation of quality sound and lighting. No one should overlook the necessity of a quality production, even in the Church.

5. Be Interactive. Every show we watched, I mean every single one of them, had some part that involved audience interaction. I could not help but replay my sermons in my mind and wonder how many times I include the audience in what is happening onstage. It might be as simple as people shouting out a favorite song to involving people as part of an object lesson.

6. Use Humor. Another feature of every show was a touch of humor. Even a group of a cappella singers included some comedy in their presentation. The more people laughed, the more the show connected with the audience.

7. Service is Key. It doesn’t matter how great of a show you put on if your staff are unfriendly. My wife and I attended a show with dinner included and the lady who waited on us was stern and unkind in her actions. It made everything less enjoyable, and we will not return to that show in the future. How many people attend our Churches and are turned off by that one person?

8. Piggy Back Similar Items. Branson is full of shows designed for senior adults. I also noticed a number of antique stores. I saw some places that focused on veterans. Other sites focused on the nostalgia of the 1950’s and 60’s. If you have a group of people in one place with similar characteristics, it is wise to offer multiple forms of connection.

9. Most People are Open to Religion. I know this also connects to understanding your audience and the age of the people attending, but most performances do not shy away from introducing faith. The shows we attended in Branson included gospel songs and a production of the nativity. God was spoke of with conviction even in a secular setting. No one walked out or shouted obscenities or showed any anger at all. People seemed very open to the story of the Bible.

10. Under Promise and Over Deliver. A show that promotes itself as “the best” or “special” or “awesome” had better deliver. Quite often I find that the best and most enjoyable shows are those with little fanfare. I go in with low expectations and then see people working hard to deliver the best program available. I thought of how many Church events are billed with much praise only to let people down.

I feel like I need to remind everyone, I do not view Sunday morning as a show that the Church puts together for the pleasure of the crowd. No, we gather to worship, and God is our audience. I do still think there are some lessons we can learn from the world around us if we will only pay attention. My week in Branson was a nice downtime from my work in the Church, but I still learned a couple of things that I hope will make the Church I serve even better.

It seems to be acceptable to criticize the Church these days. In some cases, it is almost expected that people will have something negative to say about the Church. The criticism can range from being full of hypocrites to everyone accepting a political leader without question. There is the frequent finger-pointing about being judgmental or lacking in kindness. Through the years I have heard it all.

Honestly, I understand this critical spirit from nonbelievers. They do not accept or trust what we teach so why would they see the good in it. It is easy to throw rocks at that which you do not affirm or understand.

What I can’t comprehend is the disapproving attitude among Christians. We are on the same side. Jesus himself said, “for whoever is not against us is for us (Mark 9:40 NIV).”

The Church has never claimed to be a perfect place. It is not a group of individuals who have achieved total Christlikeness. Instead, we have an incredibly diverse group of people striving to learn and grow. Many have not put down deep roots, and others are distracted by the worries of this world. I believe about two-thirds of the people who come to Church will never reach spiritual maturity. But, I would rather them gather with an assembly of other Christians than for them to be anywhere else in the world.

Instead of being critical what if we …

1. Celebrate the Good in the Church. There are hundreds of positive things that happen every week in the life of any Church. Just this week I have seen a woman decide to be baptized. I have visited with an elderly woman who told me about the other ladies in the Church coming to spend time with her. I know of individuals who are praying each day earnestly. The list could go on and on. There are numerous positive things to celebrate if we open ourselves up to it.

2. See the Potential in People. Sure, there are messed up people in the Church, but that does not mean it is their final chapter. Michelle and I were talking about the transformation we have seen in a man over the last two years. He is becoming a better husband, father, and friend to the other members of the Church. We are not what we will one day be, but thank God; we are not what we once were.

3. Lose Your Critical Glasses. It seems that once we see something that bothers us, that is all we can notice after that experience. One person says something mean, and we quickly identify their “group.” They are a liberal or a Republican or a millennial. Then we paint everyone in that group from a negative viewpoint. Ask yourself, “Am I viewing that person on their own merit or on conclusions I have drawn about them?”

I believe that Christians are wonderful people. Are some quirky? Yes. Are some opinionated? Yes. Are some wrong? Sure. Am I better than those people? No. I need the same grace they need. We are brothers and sisters, not clones. We are part of a family. As the song says, “I am so glad I am a part of the family of God.”

As I was growing up, I dreamed of making my mark in this world. In high school, people would tell me to dream big or to go out and make an impact. College made me feel like I could change the world. Then I went out into the “real world.”

Most of my contributions to the work of the Lord seem so small and insignificant. I have never led a megachurch. I have never spoken to more than a few hundred people. This blog has about 50 people who read it each day. I teach two Bible studies right now that have nine people in each of them. I help lead youth group, and we currently have 17 in average attendance, and two of those are my own children.

I thought I would do more. I thought I would be more. I thought my impact on this world would be significant in some way.

Occasionally I need to be reminded of two simple truths.

1. I will never know the impact of my life. God has a way to take efforts and use them in incredible ways. Your life may touch one person. That one person then impacts three other people. One of those people may do something unbelievable for the kingdom of God. My life may be a part of a chain of events that I cannot see. I believe God can do big things with my small life that I will never know about entirely.

2. I never know what will make an impact. I have preached sermons to a small group of people who I thought were mostly asleep. Then one of the people comes to me and says, “That was just what I needed to hear.” I am shocked that God takes my below average sermon and uses it to help someone on their spiritual walk. We never know what conversations and contributions will help people in their life. Quite often the things that we think will make a significant impact are lost in the size of the spectacle. Little connections can be used in ways that I never imagined.

I need to remind myself that I am serving a big God continually. He can take my tiny efforts and use them to accomplish his grand plan.

So each day I get up, and I do my part. I do whatever task God puts in front of me. I keep working with the people he has put in my life. I do the best I can to represent him in even the smallest of ways. Who knows what God will do with my efforts?

I believe our impact on this world is significant even when it doesn’t seem big.

Most of my life has been spent working in Churches who have been in decline or have at least plateaued for years. I have even helped a couple of other Churches close and join up with the one I was leading. All of the Churches I have lead have been small and are usually in small communities. Most of the time I have accepted calls to preach in these situations because I thought God could use me to help them rebuild. I have noticed some similar things in all of the Churches I have led through the years.

These are issues that any Church can have that are fixable.

1. They have become blind to the mess. Many Churches see their facility with the glory it once held. Now the building needs cleaning. Many parts of the facility need updating with a paint job or some new carpet. I am told that after four weeks you become blind to some of the problems in your situation. Imagine what 40 years might do to a person.

2. Tomorrow may be worse mentality. With this mindset, people do not want to spend any money. If they do spend money, it must go before the board and be talked to death. I once was a part of a six-month discussion of a new sump pump. The other side of the issue is that people start keeping everything because we may need it one day. Trash and junk are stored everywhere, and everyone is afraid to throw it away. God only knows how much I have thrown away through the years.

3. Yesterday was better than tomorrow signs. When this type of thinking takes over the Church becomes a place where the saints of yesterday get memorialized. Plaques are everywhere and fastened to everything recognizing the donation of someone from days gone by.

4. Only friendly to insiders. When a visitor finally does come to Church, they are not greeted warmly by the people. They are seen as outsiders who will leave one day. Why be nice to people who are only here for a Sunday or two?

5. The preacher is paid to do all the ministry. In many of the small Churches I encounter the preacher is paid to do everything. They preach, teach, lead, set-up, clean-up, do youth ministry, organize children’s ministry, visit the hospital, marry and bury. Very little gets done by other people, except making decisions. Others meet to make the decisions, and the pastor tries to carry out their wishes.

6. Leadership issues. Lack of leadership or poor leadership are the two most significant problems. To move forward the Church may select men who are unqualified, or they try to bring everyone on board. I have been a part of a Church of 80 with 14 leaders. If you subtract the women and children, then over half of the men were in leadership. Needless to say, very little got accomplished.

7. Change has become unimaginable. We like the way things are done, that is why we keep coming back. So why would we want to change anything? The 30 Christians who attend are happy so why mess up a good thing?

8. Only take care of themselves. If the people are few and the money is tight, then we better not overextend ourselves. Missions giving is slim, and service events are non-existent. The Church exists for us, and everyone outside the walls can take care themselves like we are doing.

9. Children are not a priority. Almost every small Church I have lead had an awful program for kids. I could tell you about dirty nurseries, dangerous toys, unsupervised children’s area and a total lack of security. It is incredible that a group of people who love their grandkids doesn’t care about the spiritual education.

10. Faith is rarely stretched. Everything is comfortable. We attend the same class with the same people where we talk about the same things. We then go to worship where we sit in the same place next to the same people while singing the same hymns. We take the same communion and hear a familiar sermon. We go home and eat the same old meal and watch the same old TV. Each Sunday is a repeat of the last week, and no one does anything daring for the Lord.

I know there are legitimate reasons that some Churches stay small. They are in areas where very few people live or where the community is dying. The majority of Churches I have experienced have enormous potential for God, but they have never sat down and talked about any major issue. The problems mount up, and we blame our lack of effectiveness on “the people these days.”

I have spent my life working against these obstacles. Sure, it may make some people frustrated and others uncomfortable, but the call of Jesus is to reach the whole world with the gospel not to rest in the comfort of our own salvation.

I am leading a Monday night men’s group. Right now, I have nine men who are walking with me through some material on how men step up into the different phases of their lives. The final part of last night’s meeting drew our attention to the role of a Patriarch.

While the video did not give much information on the exact dynamics of the Patriarch in a family, the accompanying study guide asked a great question, “How do you want to spend the final years of your life?”

To the best of my study and experience, there are three options for us.

1.Grow Old and Selfish

Several senior adults spend the final years of their life on their own selfish dreams. They travel and enjoy the finer things in life. They play golf all day or another type of hobby. They spend money and accumulate extensive collections of stuff. They justify this behavior by saying, “We have earned it.” They also use the phrase, “We deserve this.” These people spent their earlier life giving all of their time and money to work or family, and now they are going to indulge themselves.

2. Grow Old and Scary

Some people end their lives full of bitterness. They grow angry with their family and friends. They speak of the “people these days” as if they were the enemy on the battlefield of life. Quite often these people complain that no one who cares for them or visits regularly but spends times with their visitors whining more than anything else. As a result, their grandchildren are forced to visit them on holidays to try and keep peace in the family.

3. Grow Old and Spiritual

These people have seen the best and worst of life, and they have grown closer to God through all of their experiences. They speak with kindness and love. They demonstrate faith and perseverance. Many in this group serve at Church until their body gives out on them. They spend their final years making an impact for the kingdom of God wherever life takes them.

So the question remains, “How do you want to spend your final years?” The Patriarchs of the Bible were spiritual leaders of entire families and clans until the day they died. People came to them for wisdom and guidance that only a life of faith can produce. They were a source of blessing to the community through the final stages of their journey.

Here is the deal. You are already headed one of these directions. Your life has a trajectory of movement that will place you squarely in one of these categories. Where you end up is not just the result of the decisions you make when you retire. Instead, they are the culmination of the choices you are making every day. The question for today is simply, “Is my life headed the direction I really want it to go?”

As a natural-born introvert, my tendency is to withdrawal within myself. When pain and heartache come, I tend to push away from the crowd and spend hours inside my mind. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, and I certainly don’t talk about my emotions. I will get through this all alone, no matter how long it takes.

For years I thought I was the only one who felt like this in the world. Then I noticed recurring conversations with people, often within the confines of my offices. They would tell me of deeply personal struggles that I never imagined them going through each day. One would speak of marital troubles, and another would tell me about their children, and still others with addictions of some type.

The idea came clear to me the other day, and I stopped to write it down. The truth is that numerous people are suffering in silence.

Maybe that is you? Maybe that is someone you love? If it is, I would tell you a few things.

1. It is okay to suffering alone. That is not what you might imagine me to say. Honestly, I think it is good for people to process what is going on within their heart and mind. Think about it. Pray about it. As I read the psalms, I often picture David on a hillside alone with a pen and a parchment pouring out his heart to God. I little self-reflection and critical thinking can be good for the soul.

2.God has not left you. Some of Jesus final words to his disciples in Matthew chapter 28 are a challenge. His disciples are to go into all the world making disciples. It will not be an easy job. In fact, it will come with persecution and hardship. There will be nights alone and frequent criticism. Jesus ends his call to service with some comforting words, “I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

No matter how dark life gets, Jesus has not left us alone. He is there in our pain. He hears, and he responds to our suffering. It might not be in the way we imagine with a loud voice and a violent shaking of the earth, instead it might come in the small quiet voice within our soul. Even when you feel alone, you are not. He will never leave you or forsake you.

3. Some people want to help. You do not have to suffer alone. I would tell you as a Pastor that if you have gone for weeks and weeks suffering from the same issues, I would seek help. This help might come from a friend, a family member, a Church member or a professional like a counselor. I would bet money that there is someone in your life who would love to help you. The challenge is not to find someone to listen; the hard part will be opening yourself up.

From personal experience, I know that the suffering in our soul can often be greater than physical pain. It can torment us day and night and slowly drive us crazy. Sometimes silence is golden, and other times it is deadly. Take time to reflect on your pain and know that God is there with you and we are here if you need us.