Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and my blog feed was full of advice for couples and thoughts about love. Today everything returned to normal, and relationships again slipped to the back of our mind. Personally, I think today is a better day to address the issues of marriage because today is normal. These are the times where marriages are made better or worse.
Today reminds me of three lies married couples believe that are destroying their marriage.
1. One Big Event Will Make My Marriage Better.
Days like Valentine’s Day can lead us to think that if we just remember special days, everything will be fine. If we make a big deal out of Christmas, their birthday, a holiday or even a vacation then all the other junk will be forgotten. Let me be clear; I have never counseled a couple who said, “They do not treat me special on big days.” What I usually hear, “They do not treat me as special every day.”
It does not matter what you do four times a year. It matters what you do and say every single day. It is a lie to believe otherwise.
2. Our Marriage is More Difficult than Others.
I hear this one quite frequently. I suppose it is because most people are so adept at hiding their flaws. They post only the good stuff on social media, they tell just the good stories to friends, and they smile even when they are dying inside. Let me tell you the truth, every couple I know struggles. Even those people who you think have it all together have conflicts. If you were to pull back the veil on their marriage, you would find all kinds of flaws and failures.
Believing this lie makes it easier to give up. We think our marriage is the only one struggling, so it must be a lost cause. It is a lie to believe that your marriage is any more difficult than the average marriage.
3. My Spouse is the Problem in This Marriage.
Please hear me carefully. I am not saying your spouse does not have issues. They do. But, let’s be honest, so do you. You just think your flaws are minor. You think yours are endearing and understandable. Even if you do not have the same problems as your spouse, I bet you struggle with communication. You hide your feelings and thoughts behind your passive-aggressive behavior. Once again, I have never met a couple where one person was the problem. Sure, you may see one of the people’s faults easier, but I assure you, there are problems on both sides.
If you we think the failures in our marriage are the result of my spouse, then we become passive. We believe, “They need to work on themselves, and I will wait till they get it worked out.” Trust me you have flaws of your own that you can be working on right now.
Valentines Day is a great day to celebrate love and declare to the world that you are in a caring relationship. I hope you celebrated and had an enjoyable evening. I also hope you understand that great marriages are built in the days following the holiday. People with long-lasting, wonderful unions are those who ignore the lies they were told, and they do the work that needs to be done. They labor every day to be the best spouse they can be even in the difficult times.
Today is not a holiday of love, but this is a day when real love gets expressed in everything we do.